The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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