he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
