Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
