I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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