you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
