I think i peed on brittanys purse
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
