Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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