I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize