Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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