I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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