watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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