Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I wear drunk well.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
