How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
