I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
