Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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