My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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