I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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