That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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