Well douche your snatch and let's go!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
