I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
