"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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