8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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