I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
