We're like a lot better than the average bears
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
