I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
