found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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