my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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