Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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