im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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