just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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