Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
