When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
