I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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