conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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