The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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