I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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