I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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