I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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