I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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