My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think my vagina is haunted
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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