Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
