You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
