Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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