i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
zippers are such a cool invention
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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