We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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