Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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