she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize