when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
its liver damage thursday
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
