She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just high enough for therapy.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
