Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
