Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
