I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
