well I can't set my house on fire every night
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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