That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
