Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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