You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize